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It's been unseaonably cold this spring in Michigan, about 12 degrees below what should be our normal spring temperatures.

So, as my tennis equipment sits at the front door, as I wait for the weather to break, to shake off the winter cobwebs of spending so much time in front of my computer, longing to be on an outside tennis court feeling the warm breeze in my hair, to hear the pristine sound of my racquet solidly strike a yellow tennis ball… (sorry, i digress)… I'm passing the time with humor, present and past. 🙂

 

WHY MEN ARE HAPPY PEOPLE

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.

Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.

 

FISH TALE

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.  The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.  The wife likes to read.

One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing, and decides
to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any
moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"You do that and I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he said and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think.

 

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLEY MEN
HANDBOOK by ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER

SICK DAYS. We will no longer accept a doctor's
statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go
to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS. Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as
they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE. It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary. If we see you
wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you
do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE. This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE. Entirely too much time is being spent in
the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on each department's bulletin board under "Chronic
Offenders".

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.

THE GOVERNATOR

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  • Ty

    I’ve heard them all before. And they still make me laugh! Thanks.